Guest post by Alex Charlie.
1. Setting everything up to be perfect:
The door is closed and locked, no noises can be heard from the outside (turn on tap or shower if thin door), nice comforting position. Don’t forget to weigh yourself on the bathroom scale beforehand, if you’re into that kind of thing.
2. Pants down and down to business:
You sit in expectation but nothing. Is it a ghost poopy? Where has that thing, that was struggling to come out of you not moments ago, gone? You feel it. You grab whatever you can and hold on for dear life.
You begin to ask what you have done to deserve such a thing. Why so much pain? It wasn’t always like this, was it? You didn’t murder anyone, yet why is that monster coming out sideways? You begin to look at the surrounding environment for inspiration to relieve the pain.
A multitude of thoughts cross through your head, like how a bag of cold ice would be good right about now or you think what if you have a heart attack and they find you like this? Are you ruining Earth by letting the water run because you don’t want people hearing your farts? An ugly one the size of a tree trunk comes out, all the veins in your head are popping and you think of the movie Hulk.
It’s just hanging there and won’t let go. You try grabbing an ass cheek but to no avail so you grab them both and think this is utterly ridiculous, clapping like that with your ass cheeks. Finally, you wiggle a bit and it drops with a loud splash and your ass is greeted with cold water.
You expect someone to barge through the door clapping and handing you some sort of prize for your valor. Your asshole is wide open like a smoking gun after being fired. It slowly begins to retract and you feel relief because for a second there you thought it would stay like that forever.
3. The waiting.
Now that that’s done you wait around to see if there is a second wave. This is happy time, this is cooldown time. You check your phone, see if you have toilet paper (thank God there is!)
4. The dirty end
When you finally decide it was a lone poop you stand up to wipe and wonder if you’ve made a butterfly between your ass cheeks. Finally, you look at it. It is so beautiful. It’s perfect. You take a selfie with the submarine and you wish you could show someone that picture without being judged.
You will one day find a woman who shows you a selfie with her poop and you will fall in love with that wonderful human being. Or dump that disgusting bitch.
You diligently wipe away any traces of the crime scene and decide it’s a two wipe job. Should you fold the toilet paper in half and reuse it to save the planet? Fuck the planet, you’re dealing with a crisis here.
You take one last look at the perfection that you made and with a teary eye, you flush. It was a part of you and now it’s gone. You are so conflicted because you feel a heavy burden on your soul now that your other half is gone forever but at the same time, you feel much lighter on your feet that you could almost fly. You’ve gone through so much together. Goodbye, my friend!
For a moment you wonder if it’s possible that the good part of you drained away while the piece of shit stayed on the outside of the toilet looking in. After this experience of losing such a big part of you, is it still you? These are questions for philosophers, not the likes of you.
You feel so light that you wonder if all your life failures were because that piece of shit was holding you back. Oh well, what’s done is done. Then you get on the scale once more to see how big that monster was. After a quick calculation, you decide you are proud of yourself and rightfully believe you did a better job than most women giving birth.
You exit the bathroom and are surprised that you were still expecting something. No applause, no Guinness Book World Record holder holding your record. You are the unsung hero of the modern world.